Funny Jokes

Who is this calling? Joke  The local high school has a policy that the parents must call the school if a student is to be absent for the day. Kelly (name changed to protect the guilty), deciding to skip school and go to the mall with her friends waited until her parents had left for work and called the school herself. This is the actual conversation of the telephone call. Kelly: "Hi, I'm calling to report that Kelly so-and-so is unable to make it to school today because she is ill. Secretary at high school: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I'll note her absence. Who is this calling?" Kelly: "This is my mother."
 


Baptism A father is in church with three of his young children, including his five year old daughter. As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service. During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. The little five year old girl was taken by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant's head. With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and asked: "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby??"

Church Feuds Church feuds are not uncommon, especially among cliques in the congregation. But when the pastor and choir director get into it, stand aside. One week our preacher preached on commitment, and how we should dedicate ourselves to service. The director then led the choir in singing, 'I Shall Not Be Moved.' The next Sunday, the preacher preached on giving and how we should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The choir director then led the song, 'Jesus Paid It All.' The next Sunday, the preacher preached on gossiping and how we should watch our tongues. The hymn was 'I Love To Tell The Story.' The preacher became disgusted over the situation, and the next Sunday he told the congregation he was considering resigning. The choir then sang 'Oh, Why Not Tonight.' When the preacher resigned the next week, he told the church that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was taking him away. The choir then sang, 'What A Friend We Have in Jesus.'

  Clean "Spanish Computer! " Joke
A spanish teacher was explaining to her new class that in Spanish, unlike in the English language, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. 'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.' .. 'Pencil', however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.' A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'? Instead of giving the answer, the teacher set up a challenge and split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic; 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your money on accessories for it. Well! The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because: 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to plug them in and switch them on; 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves; 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that had you waited a little longer, you could have got a better model. It turns out that the women won.


Clean "Nasty Peanuts!" Joke
As a pastor was visiting an elderly lady in the hospital he noticed a bowl of peanuts by her bed. He began to nibble the peanuts as they visited and by the end of the visit realized he had consumed the entire bowl. Feeling badly he bought a bag and brought them to her the next day. As he gave them to her he explained they were to replace those he'd eaten the day before. "Why you didn't need to do that Pastor", the lady explained. "The thing is, I don't have any teeth, so when my nephew brings me chocolate-covered peanuts. Well, I just suck the chocolate off and spit the peanuts in the bowl."

new Pastor in a small Oklahoma town spent the first four days making personal visits to each of the members, inviting them to come to his first services.
      
      The following Sunday the church was all but empty. Accordingly, the Pastor placed a notice in the local newspapers, stating that, because the church was dead, it was everyone's duty to give it a decent Christian burial. The funeral would be held the following Sunday afternoon, the notice said.
      
      Morbidly curious, a large crowd turned out for the "funeral." In front of the pulpit, they saw a closed coffin, smothered in flowers. After the Pastor delivered the eulogy, he opened the coffin and invited his congregation to come forward and pay their final respects to their dead church.
      
      Filled with curiosity as to what would represent the corpse of a "dead church," all the people eagerly lined up to look in the coffin. Each "mourner" peeped into the coffin then quickly turned away with a guilty, sheepish look.
      
      In the coffin, tilted at the correct angle, was a large mirror.

The Sermon A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"


Instruction About Church A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."


 

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